"From Man to Immortal" 1st Edition

Reading my colleague's last post gave me a great idea for another segment--- "From Man to Immortal," in which I use my connections to get a seat with the elusive Rod. This week, I tried to keep the questions basic, but Rod, being such a fan favorite, volunteered to give up any information---at a price. And I paid that price, and so what if I had to do it in the backseat of a car.....don't judge me. It was late, it was A-Rod, anyone would've done it. So just chill out and read the damn interview.....ingrates.

Mere Mortal---So Mr. Rodriguez, wait, do you mind if I call you that?

The Saviour of us All--Yes, as a matter of fact, I do. I'd prefer any of the following: Your Holiness, Mr. Clutch, Master, God, The Future, Alpha, Omega, or Alex. Just kidding. Not Alex. Filthy human, continue with the questioning.

M.M.---I'm terribly sorry your highness---

T.S.O.U.A---What did I say?

M.M----I'm sorry.

T.S.O.U.A---I'm only joking, mortal garbage. Continue and make it quick. I have an appointment to have sex with every beautiful women who ever lived.

M.M.---OK, first question. When did you realize that you would be the greatest person to ever live?

T.S.O.U.A---Um, well, I must say when my friend, Lazzy Boy we used to call him, died. I felt bad, so I brought him back. Or it coulda been me turning that shitty water into wine. It takes A-rod to party!!

M.M.---That sounds about right. OK, since I'm really, really lazy, I'm just gunna ask one more question.

T.S.O.U.A.---Well, you might as well make it a good one, considering what you had to do to get this interview-

M.M.--Yea, Omega, about that "favor" I did for you, can we just, you know, forget it?

T.S.O.U.A.--Let me think. Done thinking. No. Continue.

M.M.---OK, how would you describe the Yankees current situation, with all of the losing, and the possibility of Joe Torre being fired.

T.S.O.U.A.----Joe who?

M.M.---Joe Torre, the manger?

T.S.O.U.A.---Listen fool, I am my own manager, hitting coach, and team . And last time I checked, I was leading baseball in home runs and RBI's.

M.M.---But Master, do you realize that the Yankees are in last place?

T.S.O.U.A.---Oh but master, do you realize...SHUT UP FOOL!! FEEL THE WRATH OF THE ROD. HEAR ME NOW!!!!!!

The interview finished at this point when Rod proceeded to turn into his heavenly form and hit me with his mighty bat.

A-ROD on Current Events: Volume 1

Debuting today is a new weekly column in which the one, the only, A-ROD gives his expert opinions on Current Events. This week A-ROD covers everything from the VT shooting to Spider-Man 3 and everything in between:

Virgina Tech Shooting- "I'm relaxed and happy this season"

U.S. Policy on Iraq- "This is an embarrassment, I would have solved this in a day, too bad I don't care. Take that foreigners!!!"

Democratic National Race- "I'm relaxed and happy this season!"

NFL Draft- "I should have been the number one pick, have you not seen my high school football days at Westminster Christian High School I was just as Godly as I am today!"

French broad to become first women elected president- "I'm relaxed and happy this season"

Spider-Man 3 debuting Friday- "Analogy time: Spider-Man is to Venom as A-ROD is to Jeter.....Zing!!!!!"

Alec Baldwin curses out his own daughter- "If it were up to me kids wouldn't exist, only beautiful celebrities."

Tale of the Tape: Alex"A-ROD" Rodriguez vs. Jesus " You only live Twice" Christ

Rodriguez vs. Jesus - a fight we have all had our fair share of wet dreams about it. The Savior of an entire race of people vs. Jesus (aka the Hebrew Killa) The fight of the century, nay, millennium. We'd all love to see De La Hoya/Mayweather, but honestly an Alex v. Jesus matchup is far more intriguing. I'd like to take this opportunity to size these heavyweights up.

1. Age
Alex Rodriguez: 31 years young
Jesus Christ: Ageless?
Edge: Jesus

2. Credentials(S)
Alex Rodriguez: 478 Homeruns, 1381 RBIs, a 5-time Nobel Prize Winner, 2-time Oscar winner
Jesus Christ: Son of God.......Star of Passion of the Christ?
Edge: A-ROD

3. NICKNAME(S)
Alex Rodriguez: A-ROD, Alexander the Great, A-bomb, The Messiah
Jesus Christ: King of the Jews, God. Jr., The Messiah, The Great Bambino (wait no)
Edge: Jesus

4. Miracle(S)
Alex Rodriguez: Tying the Homerun record for April, Curing Polio, Killing Hitler, Being A-ROD
Jesus Christ: Raising Lazarus from the Dead, water into wine, rising from the dead
Edge: A-ROD

4. Tempted By
Alex Rodriguez: Scott Boras(The Devil)
Jesus Christ: The Devil(Scott Boras)
Edge: Even

5. Alex Rodriguez betrayed by: Derek Jeter
Jesus Christ betrayed by: Judas
Edge: A-ROD

6. Virgin?
Alex Rodriguez: God, No
Jesus Christ: I guess so
Edge: A-ROD

In a clear victory the real Messiah, A-ROD is victorious. Praise Alex!!!!!

An A-Rod sized top ten list

The other night, I was watching TV when I noticed a horrible flaw in our nation's media-not enough Rod. I mean, sure, he has ESPN, the YES network kiss-ups, and the Prayer Channel (yea, some people can dream), but that's not enough. So I thought, with this incredible tool of media that up to 4 people read on a given day (this blog), I thought to myself "I must correct this injustice". After not doing anything for a few days, I decided to use my mind to come up with an incredibly original idea-- the daily (probably not going to happen everyday, sorry) top ten list. So here it is, the very first installment:

The Top Ten Things A-Rod can't do

10. Like being Jeter's teammate

9. Enjoy playing 3rd base

8. Hit in the post-season**

7. Play for real (not fair at ALL)

6. Run out of money, ever

5. Fail

4. This is a trick question, right?

3. Not say "I'm very relaxed and comfortable this year" at an interview, no matter what question he's asked

2. Guys

1. Die

**sorry for post 8, but some asshole Met fan snuck onto my computer and added it. Thankfully, he is not alive anymore, partially due to me shooting and killing him. Again, sorry.

This Week in A-ROD Entertainment: Movies Made Better With A-ROD

We all love our daily douse of the ROD, but seeing him win baseball awards isn't enough sometimes. A-ROD's greatness shouldn't be limited to just sports, which is why this installment of "This Week in A-ROD Entertainment" is dedicated to A-ROD in film. The following movies are in need of a little something, some spice, a certain jena se qua, in short: A dose of DAS A-ROD.

Superman
Original Plot- An alien orphan is sent from his dying planet to Earth, where he grows up to become his adoptive home's first and greatest super-hero.
With A-ROD- A-ROD playing perhaps his easiest role, not only defeats Superman nemeses Lex Luthor(Derek Jeter) , but also buys the Daily Planet with his ridiculous amount of money and gets Lois Lane(Scarlett Johannssen) preggers. UP! UP! and Away!
Projected Opening Weekend- 70 Million

Norbit
Original Plot- A mild-mannered guy (Rodriguez) who is engaged to a monstrous woman (Rodriguez) meets the woman of his dreams (Rodriguez), and schemes to find a way to be with her. Wait Wha?
With A-ROD- Alex, wearing multiple hats plays numerous parts in the hilarious story of young love. A-ROD earns three Oscar nods for his roles and for good measure picks up a Grammy nod for his soundtrack work.
Projected Opening Weekend- 95 Million

The Passion of The Christ
Original Plot- A film detailing the final hours and crucifixion of Jesus Christ.
With A-ROD- In this epic bio-pic A-ROD pours his heart and soul on the screen, sticking pretty close to the original script(The Bible?), with one key difference, he lives and kicks ass! A-Rod survives a grotesque crucifixion and in a twist leads a rebellion over the Roman Empire and makes Judas(Joe Torre) his bitch.
Projected Opening Weekend- 345.9 Million

The Shining
Original Plot- A family heads to an isolated hotel for the winter where an evil and spiritual presence influences the father into violence, while his psychic son sees horrific forebodings from the past and of the future.
With A-ROD- Here' s Alex!!!!!In the altered A-RODized version the movie is drastically different. Instead of failing to kill his family and freezing to death, his Holiness comes through in the clutch and succeeds, once and for all, killing his wife and son. Alex picks up a Golden Globe and SAG award for his performance. Then in a stunning move, he will proclaim these awards are not up to his standards and will promptly throw the awards away. Also he will take the role so seriously and in an instance of life imitating art, Alex murders his family.
Projected Opening Weekend- 120.7 Million

The Departed
Original Plot- Two men from opposite sides of the law are undercover within the Massachusetts State Police and the Irish mafia, but violence and bloodshed boil when discoveries are made, and the moles are dispatched to find out their enemy's identities.
With A-ROD- In an Oscar winning performance and a severely different movie, A-ROD plays a New Yankee Yankee player going undercover as a Boston Red Sox. With strong performances from Terry Francona playing Frank Costello and Derek Jeter playing a baseball player who's gone rogue. We see the heart-wrenching story of a man driven crazy from living two lives simultaneously. The audience is brought to tears in an ending in which A-ROD sacrifices himself to reveal the truth about Jeter.
Project Opening Weekend- 89.1 Million

The Devil's Advocate
Original Plot- A hotshot lawyer gets more than he bargained for when he learns his new boss is Lucifer himself.
With A-ROD- In this star studded affair, the Devil is played by none other then the Lucifer himself, baseball super-agent, Scott Boras. Instead of sacrificing himself in the end, A-ROD reveals a shocker, he is in fact God. He proceeds to kick the shit out of Boras. Side Note: After negotiating by Boras, Rodriguez will win every Oscar category, so many in fact they will invent new categories, and to eliminate the part where those who have died in the past year is announced, A-ROD will raise the dead. Praise the Lord!
Projected Opening Weekend- 90000000Billion(Boras will negotiates with moviegoers forcing them to pay a 100 times what they normally do.

An A-ROD drinking game

We all know we love watching our beloved savior, A-ROD, when sober, but you know whats even better.... watching him drunk! But how, you say? Well, the A-ROD drinking game is here:
Requirements:
A game in which A-ROD is playing
Some Cheap Alcohol

1.) Every time A-ROD takes a strike, take a shot

2.) Every time an announcer makes reference to A-ROD being on pace for (Fill in the blank), take a shot

3.) Every time the camera pans to A-ROD and Jeter laughing together, drink half the bottle

4.) Every time A-ROD says "I'm relaxed, I'm finally happy", take a shot

5.) Every time an announcer makes reference to this for his reason for playing well, down the bottle

6.) Every time A-ROD says he's not leaving New York at the end of the season , take a shot

7.) If A-ROD does leave at the end of the season, down the entire liquor cabinet.

8.) When he leaves at the end of the season and if he goes to the Red Sox, buy the most expensive wine you can find and drink all of it, then cry and pray.....

9.) If the Yankees create a Yankeeography of A-ROD, then air it twice in the same day, Do a line of coke

The Rivalry Continues

Right away, the second you read the title, I'd bet that you thought I was referring to Yankees-Red Sox. Well, if you came to this blog looking for stone cold baseball analysis, statistics, and expert opinions(as the blog's address would say), I'm sorry to say that you are sadly mistaken. The rivalry I'm thinking of is one that doesn't occur on a baseball diamond, a dugout, or a bench. Its one that happens in the mind of one of one of the greatest thinkers in Western civilization. You see, Mr. Rodriguez is constantly trying to answer a question that has plagued him for so long-"how good should I do tonight?" In all His glory, even A-Rod must answer the tough ones. Should he go all out and break Hank Aaron's home run record in a single inning? How many strikes should he intentionally let go by to make himself look human? So before you judge Him, put yourself in His shoes-you wouldn't want to steal the spotlight from everyone. Or maybe you would. I'm not here to judge, I'm here to speak the truth. And the truth is that A-Rod is a God among mortals, and we're just here for the ride. Amen.